回顧七年前

痛苦且寂寞的今日
無意間想起一個久未聯絡的朋友

突然發現在社群網站上
再也找不到他了
於是進到七年前的群組裡去找

雖然沒在群組裡覓得他蹤跡
卻在其中看到七年前的自己

一股腦的熱情
不計回報的付出
沒日沒夜的關注

那樣真心直接的給予
曾帶給我無價的回饋跟感動

雖然七年後
好多事情跟人都變了
但回首當時
那份美好依舊甜美濃郁

真希望大家都好
我想念你們，每一個

夢境

夢裡的畫面很清晰
連耳機上的微塵都粒粒分明

夢境場景在一居家環境
你說要去奈及利亞念博班
而我要面對手術後、日無力夜不成眠的生活

我們在房間及院子、客廳及陽台周旋著
然後被睡前未關的音樂聲給吵醒
加上麻油雞的躁熱，不得不起身

天亮了
只想有一份安定心情的早點
哪裡都不想去

說穿了

說穿了
我也只是自私

忍受不了你的注意力跟心神
被其他肉體或眼神所牽動

除了短暫的陪伴跟平日的訊息
什麼都給不了你

到底
我是憑藉著什麼
覺得自己可以這樣羈絆著你？

我真的會下地獄
神，不會與我同行

保留

六年以前吧，當維持不住一段的時候，身邊還有兩三個選擇

一直認識不同的人，保持自己的更新狀態，不會想到進入安穩不變的狀態

現在體力不行，見不了什麼人，能產生的吸引力自然也沒有了，心變得貧乏，也是自己關上的

有時候會瘋一點想，當一切卸下之後，把該弄緊的弄緊，留回長髮馬尾，即便是約一發那也能讓彼此暫時滿足，然後背著自己負擔得起的重量、走去看看美麗的地方

青康藏鐵路，我還沒有忘記

連結

暫離一段時間後，才發現跟原來那些人的連結，並沒有想像得深

當初的在意跟依賴，比較像是為了好好在當下那個環境生活，而衍生出來的互動習慣；從環境抽離之後，那樣的關係也就消失了

想起過去旅居在外的生活，遇到很多不同的人，總是興致勃勃的想認識他們、好奇他們如何過生活、如何想事情、怎麼做決定；理解了一些之後，有時候會選擇幾項喜歡的，融到自己的生活裡頭。某種程度來說，這樣的連結是比較深的，因為成為了生活或生命進行的一部分

在死之前，想做的事情都要去做：去緬甸走一趟、在厚實的琴鍵上再練一首曲子、為那個誰寫一首歌如同中學時候的我、嘗試新生命、體驗季節更迭與時令飲食

很想知道，目前渴求的這些連結，是不是真的會觸動生命一點點，讓我想繼續走、繼續探索

2017年11月的最後一天

沒有想到，又在這裡開始寫

發現很久以前的自己，不斷地寫也不一定要給誰看，只是為了自己的紀錄

有多久，沒有純粹的為了自己專注做一件事情

過去幾年，追尋著『該做的事情』，把身體搞壞了，也慢慢失去許多熱情，曾經因為熱情而自備的動力跟紀律也逐漸消失

表面上過著規律安逸的日子，但偶爾鋌而走險，心境定不下來，實則搖搖欲墜

曾經認為自己是什麼樣的人，慢慢的開始不那麼確定，不知道是變了、還是忘記或失去了

認識自己是一輩子的功課，不想再從別人的反應或付出來衡量自己，心若能清澈了眼睛才能清澈，看懂這些那些重要的事情

Can't keep doing this

Doing nothing whole day, whole night but keep clicking on the updates.

Its non sense, creepy and meanless. What do I get by doing so eventually? Nothing but pain. Probably some more disgust.

Stop stop stop. Learn to focus on the beauty. Its the obligatory lesson for life. If I am trapped here, I wont be able to go further. Not even mention happiness pursuance.

Its all about discipline.

承認

我是一個易怒、自私、不知節制、宅腐、怕寂寞、煩人惱人、好大喜功、又不懂悔改的人。

孤傲

你的孤傲，開始一連串的閃躲。
我找了很多理由給自己，以為能給的是寬容。
再明顯不過了，只是這一刻、選擇是否看清而已。

When I pick up the phone at 18:57

I turned the phone ring louder, wondered if you will call me after work.
I was thrilled and extremely happy while you called.
Do I like you? Or I like the feeling of being thinking of?

I got mad because of myself

I got mad because of myself.

Not you, not she, but myself.

The thing is that I always expect too much, pretending being sick, and asking for attention without understanding and respect.

Face to the bright side, keep myself under the sunshine.

Do what I should do and let it be.

It will come to me if 'it' belongs to me.

Vice versa, if it walks away, then 'it' is just for others, as destiny.

We said 5 times

According to Jessy, 5 times is enough for quote collection.
Quote from the joy, the guilt, the behaviour pattern of us, our status of mind and the reality.
I would like to give it a try and quit for good. What if I can't get rid of it? We will see.....

What kind of girl you are

Miss Y is a sweet hearty, most people like her and want to take care of her.
Miss H is a gentle lady, she always knows how to comfort sad people.
Miss A is a quiet girl, she doesnt really know what she wants and never ask for any favor. She prefers to be alone.
Miss L is a hottie with manly determination. She dances wildly and thinks cynically.
Miss J is a virgo, looks friendly and act rationally. Not much fun but tons of discipline in her life.
Miss R is rabid Scorpio, she believes in her faith and avoid all noise with other people's blood.
Miss W is a manic workaholic and a desperate love exchanger. She has too much to give but not much people feedback to her.
Miss I is a wayward Cancer, she cares and she doesnt care. Noodle, pillow plant and her curly hair bf are all she got.

The thing I want to say is girls are never satisfied with who they are and what they have currently. Other girls' attributes and characteristics seem more attractive since these 'charmy factors' hit the guy she loves.

It is a horrible tendence that girls make themselves up to cheer their man and somehow forget about who they are- in terms of forbidding or forgetting their origin personality.

Pathetically I am one of them. Sometimes I dont quite remember who I am and what I do like to do. I arrange my leisure schedule according to my bf's interest. I go shopping and glance at the kinds of dress which my bf likes. He is happy, therefore I think I am happy.

Another man appeared one day, he is exactly my type, so I started to fathom what he likes. Suddenly I realized the lack of freedom kills myself- ruined my soul and consciousness- it couldnt be right if I refuse to wake up.

It is not easy but here I am. I am extremely rational and loving being a workaholic.
I am willful, lazy and close-minded when I enjoy my own leisure time. I flirt with my type of man in the way I like. I dress in hemp and cotton with the color grey, blue, light yellow and white all the time. No more high heels, flats with bow are neat for me. And I spend more time with my own friends and family now.

Isolated

How many information do I need to update everyday?

How many people do I need to keep up with for life ?

What sort of ceremonies are necessary?
What kind of behaviors are out of consciousness?

Being isolated is lonely.
However it is simple, quiet and easier for me.

Music and a long walk are all I need.
At least, it is enough for today.

To be extreme

Since Ken reminded me that I am addicted to dramatic life unconsciously, more or less, I force myself to face this symptom. Being extreme, it is painful for people who live around me. However, the intention of being extreme makes me feel alive.

Paranoid, I am one of them when I devote myself into work/what I really love to do. Food, beverage, chat, breaks are needless. All I would focus is the one, the one I am interested to interact with/ involve in.

Stay in the cold, walking for hours, non stop writing until I figure out and make things clear, keep sweeping til I feel weary, repeat listing to one song til I am sick of it, thinking of one person til I realise he is not the one for me.

I got no idea why I do this to myself, exhausted.

Sharon left today

There are many 'Sharon' in my life.

The first one was my Local Committee President elected, Sharon Chieh- The most lovely and sweet kiddo I'v ever seen.

The second one was my Member Committee teammate, Sharon Shao- her words is always beyond people's imagination. We both love bollywood movies.

The third one is my current plurk mate, Sharon Cheng- I didnt really know her until we were addicted to Plurk few months ago. I like the way how she treat friends.

The other one is my ex-colleague, Sharon Fung- she just became my 'ex' colleague today. We went to the same university and found incredible fun in Thailand together. She is the Sharon I mentioned in the title of this entry. The thing is, I dont usually share my private life with colleagues. She is the one who became my friend before being my colleague. It is also the reason I feel a bit depressed today.

People come and go without notice. It is still hard for me to get familiar with new people in working environment within days or weeks.

I will miss you, girl. Bon Voyage.

Very Lost

Most of the time I got a goal, or several ones. As I'v been told, pursuing goals is how people keep their life on. And I was quite enjoy the sense of achievement when I did it.

Last night I was talking to my sis, asked her why I got upset so easily. She said that I have too much desires, in terms of material needs and the demands of interpersonal relationships. The desires control how I think and how I act. Never let it go, until I hold what I want in hand.

Most of my friends, or closed friends know that I am a control freak. I set up my timetable and always make things done in time. It doesnt sound sexy at all, pathetically I do live like this way- a typical 'check' person- check each to-do item, then arrange time/resource to complete the tasks. When I finish one, good, here comes the next. Check check check, never stops.

My sis asked me an interesting question, 'what if you lose control of what you want to control, what do you really lose?' I pondered for a while, said, 'Nothing necessary, except for my working performance of project mamagement.' Ironically, my sis replied, 'What you always try to take control is not only for work; more than half of your time, you tend to control everything except your mind.'

So true, what she said makes me hesitated about the way I live. Or the way I used to believe in.

What is important to me? What the driving factors in my life?
About the people whom I do care, what do they want? What I can do for them?

Responsibility and check-on-schedule probably are not the only answer for life, there are much know to know, to experience, and to enjoy. It might be time for me to stop, and leave some space for myself to think about it.

The value of living

I asked Ivy about her opinion toward the value of living, her answer is 'be happy'.
People set goals for their life, 'family, career, fortune, health' are common ideas.

I estimate that there are another 50 years to live in my life.
What do I really want?
And what does really matter to me?
It is hard to figure out a certain answer.

-Having family versus living along.
-Successful career versus carefree life style
-Own a great fortune versus living a basic life
-Being health versus living life to the most and cut it out at the peak of life line

It is way to extreme to divide these possibilities as above.
Yet it would lead to different direction in terms of having opposite attitude toward life.

What do I really want?
I will give myself another year to ponder over.

Focus

Recently I realized that few things can make me truly happy, such as watching romantic/comic movies, chatting with real friends, cleaning the house (I have pysophobia indeed), reading an inspiring book, spending time with family, and being focused.

Being focused makes me fulling involved in something/certain situation, which spurs my potential and energy, then it brings me heaps of creativities and possibilities. It rocks!

Unfortunately this kind of spirit only happens occasionally. I called it 'flow'. People who are interestd in the 'flow' concept can refer to Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, he has great idea about flow and creativity. I met him on campus few years ago. His speech was pretty inspiring.

I am looking for the pattern of being focused (probably there is no pattern/ rule/ tips to be focus). It is way too spontaneous and uncontroallable at this stage. I will need to calm myself down and figure out how it works to increase my capacity in terms of equipping myself with more productivities and abilities to increase life quality.

That's it for now, I need to go back to work and BEING FOCUSED.

My first job

Dear all,

Here comes a new entry since I'v stepped into another stage of life. Yes I am 25 and it is my first job ever. I work for Wharton Brain Trust group as an assistant consultant. There are only 8 to 12 employees in this corp. What we do is offering managerial consulting service to different field of industries. We provide strategic planning, marketing and sales management, human resource strategy consulting services and general trainig courses.

Small company has its own pros and cons. My working time is quite flexible but the working load is unendurable at the same time. Young colleagues and plain environment bring me both fun and boring experiences. Crazy amounts of opportunities lead to fast grow-up of self-learning and strong impact on emotional experiences.

I am a bit confused of what I really want sometimes. Yet I am be so sure of what I dislike. For instance, I can never figure out what sort of person I will become in next three years. Meanwhile I can dig out the nature of my job and keep working hard for it since I truly believe in.

People always dream about those things they will hardly reach. I do the same as well. However, there is one thing certainly,'I choose what I love, and I do love what I am doing'.

Life is tough sometimes, fortunately I got supports from different group of people and communities. The thoughts of paying back and sending the love forward exist in my mind all the time, I think it is the main thing makes me keep going.